See the Child I Was...

I can see her clearly. Red hair with curls flying about…denim overalls with dirty knees where she stopped to play with the kittens or the bunnies…a pocketful of treasures she has found out in her mother’s sewing room and in the garden – a button, some string, a corn kernel or two, a carrot bit for Sparky while she takes of his saddle and brushes his dark blonde mane. There she is, on the swing so high you might gasp, in the trees getting sap all over her hands, running through the fields after the black dog and the chickens. See that child so free and easy, being seen, demanding to be seen, showing the world what it means to be whole.

Does she see how others judge her? How they speak quietly to one another after church or suggest to the elders that her parents should tame her to fit? Does she hide her joy so others won’t be jealous? Does she dance behind closed doors so others won’t see how her body moves?

No

She hides nothing. She is ashamed of nothing. She doesn’t dress to hide her body or apologize for her desires. More cookies, more laughing, lots more dancing. So much dreaming that the sky can’t seem to bring her down. She doesn’t think about seeming greedy or unaware of her body’s shape when she reaches for another slice of birthday cake. Cherry chip, with the special pink frosting that only her mother can make.

No

She runs and jumps with the recklessness of a tomboy. She teases the other boys who are afraid - she climbs to the top of the barn and jumps out the loft to the pile of hay below. Her arms are full of splinters where she scraped the side of the old, warped wall as she fell. Her leg bruised, but she is proud. She doesn’t worry about looking silly or doing too many “boy things” even though the other girls won’t try. She just flies – secure that like the Velveteen Rabbit, wherever she lands, she will come down softly. Eventually.

No

She is not afraid of being afraid. The thunderstorms send her running to her mother. She watches the flashes from her window half with fear, half with enchantment. How many seconds between the flash and the boom? One one thousand…two one thousand… She isn’t concerned with having a tough exterior or putting on a brave face. Her emotions are raw, untamed, right there on her body for all to see. A tear, a scream, a wonderful giggle.

No

She loves wildly without knowing she shouldn’t. She has crushes on the boys in her school and at church. She watches them with envy because they can move and do things so freely that girls aren’t allowed to do. But she also watches them with curiosity to understand how they can be different from her – and so exciting. She doesn’t avert her eyes or pretend not to care when a boy sits next to her on the bus or passes her a note on the playground. She is proud of herself, her new body. She is eager to love and be loved.

What is that faint noise – those words and dispersions? These judgements, so muted that she can’t quite hear them yet.

But indeed, the observations are there:

Did you see her? Did you see what she did? She is wild and goofy. Does she have to be friends with all the boys? I think she should be careful to not seem like the wrong type of girl. She shouldn’t kiss boys. The napkin should be placed with the fold to the knees. Where are her manners? She is so clumsy at times. Maybe she should try doing something less boyish. She is way too emotional. She should calm down…she should learn to have a stiff upper lip…she should be quiet. Yes, she talks too much and way too fast. Her shorts are too short and her hair is too wild. She says big words that others don’t understand, so they must be naughty words. She is unpredictable. You don’t want your son or daughter to spend too much time with her. As she gets older, we’ll need to watch her closely. What a shame. She should be like the other quieter, more obedient girls.

But just for now, she can’t quite hear the chatter…or she chooses not to understand. She has years still while she is blissfully unaware of the critic. I can see her still. She is full of childlike self-indulgence. Brave and strong and soft. Scared and courageous and eager. She lives her life wildly and carefree. Loving every part of herself and apologizing for absolutely nothing.